When BIG Emotions Control Your Child

When your child is being controlled by big emotions, you can get caught up too. I remember one time when I went to pick up my son from school, I instantly knew something was wrong. Once we got to the car, he burst into tears.

When kids get overwhelmed, you’ll see a swirl of emotions. Usually one emotion is driving that meltdown. Most parents tend to only identify the BIG emotions - Anger, Sadness, Fear... and STOP there. When we only name the loudest feeling, your child gets stuck in it.

BIG emotions rarely come alone. They bring partners which can feel confusing and overwhelming. In order to move forward, we need to get to the underlying emotions to understand what is really running the show. 

Here are three things we can do to regulate our kids:

1. Identify - The first thing we need to do when the emotion hits our child is give them the words to identify it. Naming the feeling calms the emotional system. Once the dominant emotion is identified, the other emotions rise to the surface, making it easier to move through them, reducing the intensity. 

   Also, having the vocabulary reminds us that we are not alone. If your child is screaming because their tablet has died, the real emotion isn’t anger, it’s frustration. Name that emotion first. “Looks like you’re feeling frustrated.” For older children, “I see your frustration; I’m here for you.”

2. Space - When your child is experiencing a big emotion, one of the most helpful things you can do is give them space. This looks different for every child. Some prefer to be alone. Some kids feel calmer simply by being close to someone they trust, even in silence. Coach your child to express which type of space they need. For kids who need closeness, teach them, “I need someone close and I’m not ready to talk.” 

   For kids who need distance, teach them, “I’m feeling overwhelmed and I need to cool down.” Teaching your child to ask for space helps them recognize what their body needs and builds self‑regulation skills over time. 

3. Settle - Big emotions need time to settle. As the primary emotion fades, underlying feelings will begin to emerge. Model settling strategies for your child; going for a walk, a run, listening to music, bike ride, drawing, writing it out. When the emotions have settled, you can talk them out. Many times emotions such as embarrassment, guilt, tired…will surface. In the situation with my son, a trusted friend had broken his trust and underneath the tears he was feeling betrayed and unsafe. Remember: All emotions are acceptable; Not all behaviors are. If your child begins to escalate as you’re talking, it could be too soon to talk or could be a sign that professional support could be needed.